It’s time to get honest. I have a problem. I am a drug addict. I need help. For real. I am addicted to sugar. Some people have a sweet tooth, but I have sweet teeth. I can’t get enough of anything chocolate. It’s gotten bad. Really bad.
I don’t have any vices. I quit smoking when I was pregnant with Gus. I haven’t had a drink in years. Chocolate is all I have left. If I didn’t run like I do, I would weigh 300 pounds. I’m not even kidding. Three days ago, I gave up all artificial sugar again for like the thousandth time. But it’s nearly Easter and tomorrow at the park we are having a big egg hunt for the kids. What this means for me is that I have bags of candy and other chocolate in my cupboard. And they are calling my name.
I decided to do some research into how bad my problem has gotten. I stumbled upon the 12 questions used to determine if you have a problem with alcohol. I’ve decided to substitute “chocolate” for “alcohol.” Thought I’d share my results with you.
1 – Have you ever decided to stop eating chocolate for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
Yes. Too many times to count.
2 – Do you wish people would mind their own business about your chocolate eating– stop telling you what to do?
Absolutely yes! Please, leave me alone. I know it is not good for me.
3 – Have you ever switched from one kind of chocolate to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting fat?
Yes. I consider myself a master in switching.
4 – Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?
No. But I’m only saying no because I don’t know what an “eye-opener” is.
5 – Do you envy people who can eat chocolate without getting into trouble?
Yes. 20 year old skinny bitches. I used to be one of you.
6 – Have you had problems connected with eating chocolate during the past year?
Yes. I consider an extra five pounds a problem.
7 – Has your chocolate eating caused trouble at home?
8 – Do you ever try to get “extra” chocolate at a party because you do not get enough?
No. But only because I have not been to a chocolate party.
9 – Do you tell yourself you can stop eating chocolate any time you want to, even though you keep getting eating chocolate when you don’t mean to?
Yes!! Right now!
10 – Have you missed days of work or school because of eating chocolate?
No. But I would like to.
11 – Do you have “blackouts”?
No. I wish I couldn’t remember how much I ate.
12 – Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not eat chocolate?
No. I can’t imagine my life without chocolate. That’s the problem.
If you answer yes to four or more of the questions above, you may have a problem with chocolate.
Um…Do the math. If you don’t hear from me for a few days, it’s because I’m in rehab.